We are proud to introduce our partner Kajsa Lilja, sexologist and relationship therapist. (You’ll find Kajsa’s contact details at the bottom of the blog post.)
How does stress affect women’s sexual desire, and what is it that can turn the bedroom from a safe haven into yet another source of stress? By combining the realities of modern women’s everyday lives with the body’s ancient biological signalling systems, it becomes clear that reduced desire is rarely a matter of personal failure. In this text, as a sexologist and relationship therapist, I explore stress within three specific areas: the mental load, vaginal pain and menopause – as well as what can actually be done about it.
The fact that stress affects us as human beings is hardly news. We live in a high-performance society where we are expected to navigate careers, family life and personal development without losing momentum. But when the hamster wheel spins too fast, women’s sexual desire is often affected by a biological emergency brake.
Biologically, stress is an incredible survival mechanism. When the brain perceives strain, the body’s fight-or-flight response is activated and the stress hormone cortisol is released. But when the body believes it is in a constant state of crisis, it deprioritises everything that is not absolutely necessary for immediate survival. Enjoying sex is the last thing a stressed body wants to do; desire is simply switched off as a safety measure.
To understand how this stress takes shape in women’s lives, we can take a closer look at three selected areas where everyday life, biology and the body collide with sexual desire.
1. The mental load: The family’s invisible project manager
The first area concerns what sociologists call “the third shift” – the invisible project management of the home. Even in seemingly equal relationships, it is often the woman who carries the main cognitive responsibility for family logistics in heterosexual relationships.
It is not just about the physical work of cooking or doing laundry, but the constant mental work. Remembering to go grocery shopping, planning the week’s meals, keeping track of when the children need new rain boots, when dental appointments need to be booked and who is going to buy the birthday present for this weekend’s party. This constant mental activity creates an internal, chronic stress. When your head is full of logistical checklists, there is simply no mental space left for eroticism. To experience desire, we need a sense of safety, relaxation and presence in the moment – the exact opposite of the round-the-clock responsibility of being the family’s project manager.
What can be done about it? The cognitive load needs to be brought to the surface and genuinely shared. It is not about one partner “helping out” when asked, but about sharing the actual mental work and responsibility for planning. When the mental project management role is distributed equally, stress is reduced and mental resources are freed up, allowing desire to have space again. Getting there requires awareness, presence, agreements and good communication within a loving relationship.
2. Vaginal pain: When the body says no
The second area is the stress that arises when sex becomes associated with physical discomfort. Vulvodynia (pain in the tissue around the vaginal opening) and vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles) are two of the most common causes of genital pain in women.
This can create a vicious cycle of stress. The fear that it will hurt creates enormous performance anxiety and worry. When we feel anxious, the body reacts by tensing up even more, which in turn worsens the pain during touch or attempted intercourse. Sex goes from being a potential source of pleasure to becoming a source of anxiety, tightness in the chest and exhaustion. The body and mind enter a freeze response in which intimacy is perceived as a direct threat.
What can be done about it?
The solution involves breaking the cycle of pain and stress by, among other things, completely removing the expectation of penetration. Touch and sensuality exercises can help rebuild a sense of safety around physical contact. By combining this with mindfulness, breathing techniques, pelvic floor exercises (with a focus on relaxation), as well as lubrication and stretching exercises, the muscles and nervous system can gradually relearn that intimacy is safe. It is also important to be able to put feelings into words and to understand how the body works in order to more easily address the issue. In connection with intimacy/sex, being able to communicate openly and honestly is of great importance.
3. Menopause: Hormonal imbalance and increased vulnerability
The third area is the biological and hormonal transition that takes place during the postmenopausal phase of menopause. As oestrogen levels decline, around half of all women experience vaginal dryness, burning and pain during intercourse. Declining progesterone and testosterone are examples of other hormonal changes that can significantly affect women’s wellbeing and sexual desire during menopause.
Hormonal changes can also directly affect the stress system. As oestrogen and progesterone levels decline, the body’s cortisol levels tend to increase. When the stress hormone cortisol remains elevated for an extended period, sleep is disrupted, and feelings of irritation, anxiety and low mood can intensify. Changes in the body and physical symptoms such as sweating and hot flushes can also create significant physical stress. Navigating a sexuality that no longer works or feels the way it once did can become a major psychological and physical strain that effectively suppresses libido.
What can be done about it? A combination of physiological support and mental acceptance is needed. Hormonal or non-hormonal treatment may be helpful, lifestyle adjustments may become necessary, and suitable lubricants or oils can help relieve vaginal dryness and reduce physical pain. At the same time, expectations need to be lowered and the focus shifted from sexual performance to pressure-free, close intimacy. Meditation and prioritising recovery can help lower cortisol levels, release tension and help women rediscover presence and pleasure in their new, mature bodies. Seeking support, finding mental acceptance, daring to explore and make changes, combined with good communication – can become crucial components of a well-functioning loving relationship.
Reclaiming desire
Reduced sexual desire is not an isolated problem, but often a signal from an overloaded body. Whether the stress stems from an overflowing to-do list, a body in pain or a hormonal storm, the biological block can be the same.
By clearing some of the mental checklists, taking the body’s pain signals seriously and removing performance pressure from the bedroom, we can slowly but surely invite desire back in. It is time to stop stressing about not having enough desire and instead start reducing stress to give desire a genuine chance to survive.
These are three of the many areas where a sexologist and relationship therapist can provide support. Sometimes this may be combined with other professional expertise, such as that of a doctor or physiotherapist.
My name is Kajsa Lilja, and I work as a sexologist and relationship therapist in Karlskrona and online – in both Swedish and English. Please visit my website to read more about the areas in which I can help you/you as a couple: kajsalilja.se
Kajsa Lilja
Sexologist and Relationship Therapist
info@kajsalilja.se
